Please don’t read it, PLEASE!

Is it alright to be at the same place? Is it alright to breathe in the same conditions in which you thought of giving up on few emotions? Is it alright to act what you are not, you are just not from inside? Is it alright to stand and fight if you are injured badly? Do you know what it feels like ,when you give birth to contradicting characters? They are madly trying to kill you each day. You know the pain of dying from inside? When something kills you from inside ,each passing day is worse, everything is so bitter,completely full of sugar.Its like, meaningless combination of words so are breathing individually.  Its not frustration but things are badly messed up. The feeling when you don’t know that it is the time to be in guilt, to feel really bad or don’t know what. No don’t consider me a criminal please  because I never did any crime. It was not ! Wait what “it”? Nothing I have ever done was ever a crime, then I can’t get it why am I trying to explain everything. No wait, I am not trying to gain sympathy I am just telling how is everything, yes just answering this simple question. I just realized that I am giving a really big answer to this simple question, I am too expressive! Wait I still have a lot to express, how should I? I will do it today. I love people, I really love them I mean the people around me, they are good. But this is not how they should treat me. But they did nothing wrong to me. They are talking among themselves, and I am not participating in the conversation, they should call me? Why ,no one calls anyone in a conversation of friends or family.  So this is not the way of showing anger ,they cry for me ,they can hug me with all the warmth ,they love me. You have heard about a spot? Ever felt what it feels like when you own a spot and nobody desires to even take it from you ever, a huge spot that can cover every single colour you ever came across in your life. It is when you no more call it a spot ,it becomes what you only have!  When you end up having a paper and a pen , sometimes you crave to that extent that you choose to pen it all down during lectures in the classroom, while everyone else out there are talking and laughing but you choose a corner to just sit and pen it down. The speed of your pen and the writing you have at that moment ,they are so different, they are just something that can give you the reason to breathe for the time your pen and paper are interacting. Its not like I cry a lot. I don’t cry, wait, I cry but it just takes place, trust me . Its like a room, a big room and wait I just forgot, I have to place myself inside or outside, oh god my concentration level is so weak! Okay, I am there inside at the end of the diagonal joining the door and the corner, I am at the corner and it is full of people, I can’t come out and I just can’t breathe. I want to survive, survive so hard but after this situation I end up accepting that it is better to end up my life and finally when I am ready to go through this painful struggle which will lead me to death, someone comes and knocks at my mind and I come out of my daily pen paper story telling session and that someone asks ,” how are you?”, “I am good” . The heart is already heavy enough ,it will bear the after effects of this reply.

Confused? Or thinking what gross I have done with the words? Tried to portray the page filled with the overflowing emotions of a depressed person.  I can’t do justice with the term “depression” ever. But this is what a depressed person feels like all the time. Actually much more than this. But people really take it so lightly and in a wrong way. I have friends recovering from it and friends  stuck with it badly for years now and friends who are not accepting it. I can’t do justice with what they all feel, actually words coming from even any great writer’s ink can’t do justice with it. But more than doing justice with its depth, spreading awareness is important, I think. Isn’t it terrible when you don’t know where your each breath is leading you but still you are forced to breathe because you just have to and when you try ending it all up, you either fail or you are caught.  I feel like writing about it all day long but things are better if they come to an end and you get the time to think and act. 

Revamping the glimpses

Yes at times, we CRY. Sometimes it's an upshot and sometimes a wish. May be for someone it is a metonym of weakness but you never know who just caught those five letters of PEACE red handedly hiding behind those three.

No one is wrong,it is just you never know who is trying to stand rigid infront of the mass,fighting with the deluge breathing deep inside and whose dreams are drowned so badly that even the tears perished.
It is just like, few can muddle along and few cannot even try.
We really can't define everything with a single frame of reference.

Yes we leave some sentences incomplete. Sometimes they become phrases and sometimes they die detested. At times grammar heralds them wrong but absence of full stop actually beautify few emotions.Who says leaving sentences incomplete is wrong,silent conversations express the deepest feeling.

Not always the one who prefers sitting alone is glum. You never know who grew up disliking the role of saucer in cup's life and who always attended the wrong lectures of life. How good it would have been if digging out all the traces was facile!

Not always a numb face between the funny ones is clinical. You never know who believes in capturing smiles and whose recent tide was terrible! I really wish words like prejudice never had any meaning.

Not always a correlated sentence is pithy. Sometimes randomness is deeper.
It is just like, few call landscape ,a masterpiece and few can only find peace in mosaic.

 Small paragraphs are not committed to the poetries. Sometimes they are someone's abortive attempt of integration and sometimes divorced segments are presented without recasting. It is just like some people can't handle the pain of each wound and some people have already grubbed each one of them.

World is "Beautiful " !

In such an awe-inspiring world, full of the wonderful creations of god,how can we just furl anything. Some of them are tending to infinity and a lot of them are already at such a position where we cannot even imagine to delimitate them with the bonniest combination of alphabets we know so far! Most of us feel like we can define a lot of things by our knowledge of language. But I can't !I tried to define, "beauty" ,a very common thing, but trust me I don't even have a fake hint that from where I am supposed to start.
Well for me,
It is in the pearl, shining in sunlight.
It is in the bird, flying from the horizon while sunset.
It is in the sudden laughter of an infant.
It is in the raindrop, sandwiched between the air and the soil.
It is in the smile of a women, when flaunted by her husband.
It is in the emotions of a pen, giving ink to someone's feelings.
It is in the love of a boy which is reflected in tears for his girl.
It is in the whiteness of a husband, whose wife gayly ate the "terrific result" of his cooking.
It is in the lips of a baby, trying to speak his heart out initially.
It is in the feelings of a mother, who wore a saree from her son's first income.
It is in the way of driving of a father, steering his daughter's first car.
It is in "that" pinch of vermilion, which a groom uses to beautify his bride.
It is in those little drops of water that are stuck on a lotus.
It is in the "wish list" of a little girl, who is cavalier about the pricy world.
It is in all the torn pricetags of gifts, bought for friends.
It is the travail of a father to keep his little princess's dreams alive about the king.
It is in those words of a brother that irritates his sister.
It is in the fight for the last sip of coke that a brother and a sister have for hours.

Much more is there to say about it but, there will be the shortfall of science when we will start shaping the things of this awful world. Even the grassroots words we use all day for expressing our feelings are themselves hard to explicate.
So I feel like saying, "World is BEAUTIFUL !"
 Ironic , no? can't even define the word but expressing the world in terms of that word only.....

I guess CIRCUMSTANCES , What else....

Found it weird when a girl of 22 was saying that she is thankful to god that she is just having a sister and a brother and "not more than that",having siblings is tragedy. If a kid of 5 was saying these things , I would have understood the moto of saving chocolates or even if a boy of 22 was saying this,the matter of property would have been there but a girl with fake smile,pearls in eyes,hurting her one foot with other and wrapping her dupatta on her wrist tightly,her actions were contradicting her words ,it was like she was punishing herself for what she has said!
 Why she said those things? When I met her again,she was trying to run away from me but I somehow managed to talk to her, when she started she was already in pieces, pieces that she cannot even count,fixing them is secondary. She told she is having parents, an elder sister and a younger brother.Whatever her father earns, her mother keeps all those for herself, her elder sister has a lover so she just loves and never works,brother has left studies because he himself decided that he is not made for it and her mother is fine with all these things. But want her to earn for her sister and brother. She is maid at my friend's place. After working there, she is supposed to work at her own house and elder sister takes the credit by calling her mother after the completion of  every small work asking "how is this ?"She always wanted to be a beautician but her mother clearly said she can do anything after her sister's marriage and brother's settlement and both the things are supposed to take place by her savings !
I literally had goose bumps when just for a second I thought of myself breathing in her conditions. Yes,being the master of our life is hypothetical but the place where yo can't even own 5 minutes of your life, you will get suffocated. For a while if someone will go through it as a casual listener things will appear to be either filmy or melodramatic or self made story but you can't betray your own emotions that took birth because of her emotions. The same thing took place with me. And here I got the answer of my question that I asked from myself earlier and the answer to it is , "CIRCUMSTANCES" and I am left with nothing else to say.....

"SHE" between reality and fantasy.....

She was in a dark room,never locked but bounded by ropes of believes,we can't see but we believe..oh so sorry...we 'have to' believe. She was peeping outside where it was brighter than inside. Brought up in between the fairy tales,assuming everyone to be good,yes good enough to help, to smile. But got to know about the true characters when she faced it all. The brighter side,she was peeping into ,was her fantasy and darker room was the reality.. She was taught to do everything within the limits that the society has set. She was in the room where she was even told to sit,to walk,to talk,to smile the way she "looks" good but she was brought up with the assurance that she can live her life the way she "feels'' good.She realized while looking out to the bright old days which are now just her 'fantasy' ,that how a girl's life is contradicting, it contradicts to the assumptions,she actually never made but she believed, being a kid looking at the society around her with those small eyes,the eyes that were capable of capturing only the projections governed by her family with love for that small kid.She is supposed to be inside the house,when sun goes away.She even doesn't know either for her the sun is trustworthy and moon is not,or the society is afraid of the sun as moon is lenient enough!

OK yes ! they say just the company of two men is safe i.e., her brother and her father and other males are not safe for her ,that's why she is supposed to check her dress before stepping out even while walking on the road,she should be sure that the top she wore inside a hoody is not visible. But for a second ,think if there is a murderer in the city then he is jailed ,we are not locked inside our houses.Then why she is kept inside ,if males are not good then keep them bounded if not by believes then by something which can terrify them.
And let me add that here "she" is not any individual I met but "she'' is the soul of every girl breathing around you, from a celebrity to any ordinary girl. The difference is that, a celebrity is considered safe because she has powers more than what we have. Celebrities are also bounded but lesser than us , because harmful creatures around them are also bounded and we are not safe because around us those creatures are not bounded,instead we are...badly we are!
Sarcastic enough I must say........