Is it alright to be at the same place? Is it alright to
breathe in the same conditions in which you thought of giving up on few
emotions? Is it alright to act what you are not, you are just not from inside?
Is it alright to stand and fight if you are injured badly? Do you know what it
feels like ,when you give birth to contradicting characters? They are madly
trying to kill you each day. You know the pain of dying from inside? When
something kills you from inside ,each passing day is worse, everything is so
bitter,completely full of sugar.Its like, meaningless combination of words so
are breathing individually. Its not
frustration but things are badly messed up. The feeling when you don’t know that
it is the time to be in guilt, to feel really bad or don’t know what. No don’t
consider me a criminal please because I
never did any crime. It was not ! Wait what “it”? Nothing I have ever done was
ever a crime, then I can’t get it why am I trying to explain everything. No
wait, I am not trying to gain sympathy I am just telling how is everything, yes just
answering this simple question. I just realized that I am giving a really big
answer to this simple question, I am too expressive! Wait I still have a lot to
express, how should I? I will do it today. I love people, I really love them I
mean the people around me, they are good. But this is not how they should treat
me. But they did nothing wrong to me. They are talking among themselves, and I
am not participating in the conversation, they should call me? Why ,no one
calls anyone in a conversation of friends or family. So this is not the way of
showing anger ,they cry for me ,they can hug me with all the warmth ,they love
me. You have heard about a spot? Ever felt what it feels like when you own a
spot and nobody desires to even take it from you ever, a huge spot that can cover
every single colour you ever came across in your life. It is when you no more
call it a spot ,it becomes what you only have!
When you end up having a paper and a pen , sometimes you crave to that
extent that you choose to pen it all down during lectures in the classroom, while
everyone else out there are talking and laughing but you choose a corner to just
sit and pen it down. The speed of your pen and the writing you have at that
moment ,they are so different, they are just something that can give you the
reason to breathe for the time your pen and paper are interacting. Its not
like I cry a lot. I don’t cry, wait, I cry but it just takes place, trust
me . Its like a room, a big room and wait I just forgot, I have to place myself inside
or outside, oh god my concentration level is so weak! Okay, I am there
inside at the end of the diagonal joining the door and the corner, I am at
the corner and it is full of people, I can’t come out and I just can’t
breathe. I want to survive, survive so hard but after this situation I end
up accepting that it is better to end up my life and finally
when I am ready to go through this painful struggle which will lead me to death,
someone comes and knocks at my mind and I come out of my daily pen paper
story telling session and that someone asks ,” how are you?”, “I am good” . The
heart is already heavy enough ,it will bear the after effects of this reply.
Confused? Or thinking what gross I have done with the words?
Tried to portray the page filled with the overflowing emotions of a depressed
person. I can’t do justice with the term
“depression” ever. But this is what a depressed person feels like all the time.
Actually much more than this. But people really take it so lightly and in a
wrong way. I have friends recovering from it and friends stuck with it badly for years now and friends
who are not accepting it. I can’t do justice with what they all feel, actually
words coming from even any great writer’s ink can’t do justice with it. But more
than doing justice with its depth, spreading awareness is important, I think. Isn’t
it terrible when you don’t know where your each breath is leading you but still
you are forced to breathe because you just have to and when you try ending it
all up, you either fail or you are caught. I feel like writing about it all day long but
things are better if they come to an end and you get the time to think and act.
